That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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