If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
