I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You are the jesus of drinking
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
