I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
