Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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