I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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