i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
