your thong is hanging out like whoa
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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