I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
