Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
