So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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