2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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