OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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