She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
