3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Two words: blizzard sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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