I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
