she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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