Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
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I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
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The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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