the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I want her autograph on my taint
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
