We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
