New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
