Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
