It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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