Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
