If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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