I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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