We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
