420 ftw
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
