2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she smelled like a LAN party
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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