i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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