my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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