Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
