who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
