So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
