I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
