May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
