I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
