david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
