Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
