I am full of burrito and curiosity
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
