Swine flu. Run for my life!
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
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The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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