I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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