I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
