Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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