Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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