I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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