I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
