tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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