That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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