My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
