I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
