Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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