Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
