I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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