worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
