Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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