I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I met the friendliest cop last night
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize