yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
