I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
