I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
