clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him