WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
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You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.