Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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