I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
