Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Can I color on your dick again?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
