he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
